Let me explain myself.
A popular shower thought of mine is wondering how many babies music has assisted in creating. There are countless psychological studies that discuss the 'profound benefits' music has on arousal. Seductive music is a powerful weapon of lust that can set the ball rolling towards the final destination of love-making, and is equally as effective at getting lonely listeners to drool over their favorite artists with shameless veneration. If artists were resourceful, they could handily employ their powers of infatuation for an loyal fanbase. Unfortunately, the current music industry is somewhat of an oligopoly when it concerns sex idols, and if I were to write a sincere list it would look something along the lines of:
D'Angelo
Deftones
D'Angelo
Beyonce
D'Angelo
The banality of this list doesn't make for a thought-provoking article, and no matter how long I stare at the cover of Voodoo while barely listening to the music, there's only so much praise I can heap onto Mr. Archer that isn't redundant of other critics. And do I really get turned on by soulful R&B? No, I honestly don't.
As I explained in my previous article, Guilty Pleasures, I am now embracing transparency; I have an obligation to pay my dues to the real temptresses of music, who can reach and touch the deepest and darkest elements of my desires. Warning: these albums may cause lightheadedness, shortness of breath, and/or hallucinations of intense pleasure.
#5: Kash Krabs - The Krusty Pack
Millions have been captivated by Spongebob Squarepants at some point during their childhood: it's a staple of animated television. Regrettably, out of those millions, a meager percentage of adults continue to watch the show. Out of that minority, even fewer decide to write mature fan-fictions concerning the main characters. Out of that minority, only one brave person decided to compose emo-rap from the hustler perspective of Mr. Krabs: Kash Krabs.
Now I know what you're probably thinking: 'nothing this masterfully avant-garde has existed since Kid A!'... and you'd be absolutely correct. But that's not why I enjoy listening to The Krusty Pack. Just take the track Secret Formula, which has one of the sexiest choruses that's ever had the luxury of blessing my ears. "They don't knoWWwwwwWWW", Kash Krabs moans over an exquisite trap beat with the zest of a natural-born gangster.
Of course, Yung Patrick also appears as a stud and a woman-swindler with his feature on Panty Raid, which is enough to commandeer the envy of every virgin in Bikini Bottom.
#4: Imagine Dragons - Evolve
Men, you absolutely need to take notes on my advisement: Imagine Dragons is the apex of masculinity. Your marriage is failing? Not having sex with your wife anymore? Play this next time.
The compelling and inspirational lyricism of Whatever It Takes will illustrate to your partner your stoicism and willingness to fight for your own: they will not be able to resist surrendering to you. What's even better is this is immediately followed by Believer, where you can flex your tolerance for pain by doing 3 sets of 10 pushups while screaming the lyrics to the chorus.
Evolve is the most felicitous album name of the decade because listening to it will undeniably evolve your status from a beta to an alpha within minutes. Thank me later.
#3: Phyllomedusa - Suburban Pest
This is one of my personal favorites, but its effectiveness is contingent on one condition: it's a surprise. What do I mean by this? It means you cannot under any circumstances let your eagerness get to your thick head and listen to it before you are having sex: this is imperative. It is an extraordinary album, but it's also a double-edged sword.
Many shortsighted and naïve morons have had the audacity to sneak a peak, only to report "screaming" and "curling up in a ball". This will be you if you do not obey the rules. Suburban Pest is as cozy, congenial, and natural as Floridian suburbia: evidenced by the title. It will ease any tension that might come with a first-time sexual experience, allowing you to savor the occasion with the gift of its wizardry.
Don't pass this one up.
#2: Tom Macdonald - Us Against The World
Nothing is sexier than conservative politics, especially when there's a victim complex involved. Just look at how many people dick-ride Trump every day for whining: where does he get all of that action from?
To glean the greatest benefit from the songs, you must adopt the mindset that the world is pitted against you. This is difficult, but you'll get there in time. Besides, cynicism is sexy, and is indispensable to healthy relationships. You must be terrified every woman you interact with is cheating on you: it must be because of woke radical feminism. Luckily, Tom Macdonald will repulse anyone who's remotely educated.
If you ever need to feel morally superior, listen to No Lives Matter at max volume, and watch all of the conservative MILFs flock to your doorstep. Just remember: there's no abortion if you make a mistake.
#1: Drake - Certified Lover Boy
I have a confession to make: I have not listened to this album. However, I am confident this belongs at #1. Enjoy.
Thank you for reading!
For clarification, this is satire.